4 August Last Year 2008

Harry would have been 16 months old on 4 August 2008.

Instead, Harry passed over back to God at around 9:00 p.m. on 3 August 2008 - exactly 16 months to the hour that my water broke to start his birth into this world. We come in through water and the breathe and Harry was birthed into his next existence through water and the breathe. I don't think it was a coincidence that he chose that hour to depart. I have also since calculated that, given his due date, he was conceived right around 3 August 2006.

I don't think there were many coincidences in Harry's life. My sense has always been that his life was perfect and exactly what it was meant to be, what he came for. I don't believe that Harry was meant to stay long with us on this Earth. His life mission was to come, drop off a whole, incredible, lot of love, and then return to God. There were too many synchronistic events in Harry's life for it not to have somehow fit into an exquisite plan.

I think Harry chose his time to walk over to God very carefully. While I don't believe that another soul can ultimately hold a soul here on Earth, our connections can make it more difficult for a soul to pass over. I also have come to think of Harry as the embodiment of compassion. He knew, I think, that it would have been too difficult for Henry or I to be holding him when he left. So, as Toni described it, Harry gathered around him the people he knew were strong enough to help us and help him make his transition through the veil. I think Harry also knew that he needed to go before his body needed external support. He knew that it would have been far, far too difficult for Henry and I, and especially Lydia, to see him lying in a hospital bed, slowly dying, increasingly hooked up to more machines to artificially keep him alive.

So, although for us his passing was chaotic, because we were not yet ready for it. I think for Harry it was a very peaceful and easy transition.

I know that Janine was chosen, and chose, to be here, for what she would learn and for what she would offer. That she would hold him in love for his last hour of life. That she would give him something we couldn't bear to - give him loving arms to hold him at the very last.

As Janine described it, Harry didn't really vomit that last time. It was more just a release. He was sleeping peacefully and he just rolled over, let out a huge sigh, and released all of this black fluid. His water broke.

I am quite certain that Harry chose the next moment, the moment Erika was holding him to walk over to God, very, very specifically. He chose Erika because he knew that she had the incredible strength and compassion to hold him in love but not hold him back from what he had to do. I believe that there was a very specific gift and teaching that Harry meant to give Erika in his passing. And her gave it to her because he knew she had the strength and courage to receive it.

Thank you so much for holding my dear son in love for the last hour of his life. Thank you for being here for us and for Harry to allow him the space and grace to jump into God's arms, quickly, painlessly & without looking back. I don't think, truly, he could have died while Henry and I were holding him. I think our souls and love kept him teathered to this Earth. So thank you with all my heart for giving my dear son Harry something we couldn't bear to do - give him loving arms to hold him and let him go, at the last.

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We woke the morning of 4 August 2008 with Lydia bounding into our room to say good morning and Harry tucked into bed between us. Lydia crawled into bed with us, kissed her brother good morning, and gently stroked her little brother, his wee bald head, his velvety soft cheek, his thin arms. We asked her if she would like to have milk in bed with Harry one last time.

"Yes," said Lydia.

So we got her her morning milk and the four of us cuddled in bed in the morning for the last time.

"Why is Harry cold Mommy?"

"Because his soul has left his body. Remember, his body got too sick and his soul decided it was time to leave his body and go back to God. When a soul leaves a body, the body gets cold without the soul in it to give it life".

This was one of the blessings of Harry passing over at home. If he had died in the hospital, we would have been given a few hours at most, in a sterile hospital room, to say good bye to him. Because he passed over at home, we were able to keep him with us and say good-bye in the ways and for the amount of time that felt right and good and necessary. I also think that this is one of the reasons that Lydia has coped so well with Harry's passing, because she got to experience it as a natural part of life, something experienced with her community of love and support, something she experienced with her friends. So even in his passing, Harry continued to give us gifts, the gift of knowing that death is a natural part of life. It is not the end, only a new beginning for all of us.

Henry, Harry and I spent most of the day upstairs in our bedroom. We took turns holding him, telling him how much we loved him, and mourning his passing. As the day unfolded it turned into a wonderful day-long wake. Friends and family came over and came upstairs to see Harry and hold Harry one last time, to say good bye to Harry. Henry's parents, Dave & Grace, Harry's Pake & Beppe, Harry's Auntie Kathleen and Uncle Gareth, Auntie Sandy & Uncle Gary, Erika, Jackie and Eva, Peter and Paula, Toni, Guy and Natalie, Sara & Matt, Simon & Judith, Mariah & Micah, Claude & Angela, Jodi, Abe & Irene (Gareth's parents). Henry and I didn't really go downstairs all day. Friends stayed the day, made a feast and brought us food upstairs to eat for breakfast and lunch.

It was a heart wrenching, yet lovely day. Suddenly, as quickly as it had all started, it was all over. The feeding tube, the meds, the sickness. It was all gone. But in exchange, Harry was gone too. It has always felt to me like on the day Harry was born we jumped into a different universe and on the day he passed over, we jumped back into the universe where it was just the three of us, and Harry got left behind in the other universe. Somehow the three of us had to continue on, without Harry with us.

In many ways it was an uneventful day. A simple day. Spent holding our son. Lydia was playing with her friends, Natalie and Eva most of the day. They would, every now and then, come upstairs to talk to Harry, Lydia would give him a caress or a kiss, and then run off again to play.

Although part of me would have liked to have kept Harry for another night, we knew that the time had come that we had to say good bye to him. Toni had called the Funeral Home her brother works with and arranged for an SUV to be sent around 6:00 p.m. to take Harry's body to the crematorium. Toni would be allowed to ride in the car and hold Harry and make sure he was delivered there safely.

Maybe around 4:00 p.m. I suddenly had the idea that I would like to make more permanent imprints of Harry's foot prints and hand prints, could we somehow find some cement to make a stepping stone or something for the garden? Gareth immediately set out in the car and luckily Michael's crafts was open on the holiday Monday, and he was able to purchase two kits for making a stepping stone. Lydia made one with her footprints and Jodi and Toni and Sara and Peter and Paula and Kathleen helped us manoeuvre Harry's body to cast imprints of his wee hands and feet in stone. Lydia helped me decorate her and Harry's stepping stones with small moon and star stones that came with the kit. One day, when we finally renovate our house. Those stepping stones will go in our garden.

Too soon, it was 5:30 ish and we had to think about wrapping Harry up to take him out of the house.

Henry was the first to think that he wanted to give Harry something special of his to be cremated with. When we were in Poland for the first time, Henry had bought a beautiful pair of green amber cuff links. He wore them all the time. Henry went to our dresser and found those for Harry and tucked them in the front pocket of his overalls.

"These would have been yours someday my son. Daddy wants you to have them now," Henry tenderly told Harry.

Sandy had given me a necklace in the spring, a heart on a black string, engraved with the words "Believe". I had worn that every day and had taken its message to my heart. I took off my necklace and also tucked it into Harry's pocket.

Lydia had come upstairs at this point, "What are you and Daddy doing?" she asked.

"We're giving gifts for Harry to take to Heaven."

"I want to give him something too, wait."

Lydia and her friends ran downstairs to her playroom. They made Harry a picture with a note. I am not sure what it said.

"It is for Harry to read when he gets to the next place," they told us as they tucked it into his side pocket with some little purple flowers they had picked.

Lydia found a little yellow rabbit with purple polka dots - it was one of the first little gifts her Auntie Kathleen and Uncle Gareth had given her when she was born. Lydia tucked it into Harry's overall pockets. A gift from his sister to keep always.

Janine came upstairs with a beautiful purple blanket she had made for Harry. She had started it when he was first diagnosed and had woven all of her love and concern into every stitch, finishing it just in time to bring to Winnipeg.

"Would you like to wrap Harry in this?" she offered.

"It is perfect. Thank you so much" we were once again overwhelmed at the generosity of our friends and the perfect timing - that we would have a new outfit and a new blanket to take Harry out of the house in.

Harry had two lovies - both the same - a Benjamin Giraffe. We had ordered the second one back in March when he was in hospital. Harry (like Lydia) adored his lovie - as long as he had lovie in his arms he could find comfort and sleep. But, in the hospital, Lovie often needed to be washed, so we decided to order a second one so we would always have one clean.

We lay the purple blanket on our bed, lay a green change mat down on it and gently laid out our wee Harry. Just as I had since he was a new born, I lay Lovie across his body - the ribbon edge under his chin and lovie's blanket body covering his body, Lovie's head near Harry's knees, and we wrapped Harry in his new purple blanket.

Everyone gave Henry and I some time to say our last good bye to Harry in our room.

I held Harry in my arms and Henry knelt beside me on our bedroom floor. We told Harry how much we loved him. How much we would always love him. What an honour it is to be his parents and how proud of him we were and how proud we were to have walked this journey with him.

And then I asked Harry, "Harry, if you could send Mummy and Daddy a sign, a sign to let us know you have made it to Heaven okay. If you could send us some sort of sign we would really love that and it would really help us to know you are okay," I whispered to Harry.

Then it was time. I held Harry in my arms and carried him out of our room for the last time. I paused, "Harry this is your parents room".

Next, I walked Harry to his room, "Harry this is your bedroom, this is where you slept."

"This is your sister's room, where we read stories and played".

"This is the bathroom, where you had your baths and helped Mummy brush her teeth."

"This is the office, where you and Mummy worked on her doctoral thesis".

I walked down the stairs.

Our friends and family stood throughout our house, silent, heads bowed in prayer as I carried Harry through our house for the last time.

"Harry this is the front hall and these are the stairs that you had just learned to climb."

"Harry this is the mudroom."

"Harry this is the kitchen, where you loved to open the Fridge."

"Harry here is your playroom, where you and Lydia played."

"Harry here are all of your toys."

"Harry here is the dining room, where we ate together as a family."

"Harry this is where you played in your jolly jumper"

"Harry here is the living room, where we spent so much time together."

And back to the front hall.

"Harry this is your house. It is always your home. This is where we brought you home after you were born, where you lived, and where you died."

And then I carried Harry out our front door, down the front steps, down the front walk, past our friends gathered on the lawn. Erika, Jackie and Eva sat together and Erika played her drum and sang a beautiful song that had come to her during her Ayahuasca Ceremony for Harry on Friday night. It was a beautiful and haunting song, but it was perfect to drum for Harry as he left his home for the last time.

Henry with his arms around me, Lydia holding Henry and me holding Harry. We four walked down the sidewalk towards Toni and the waiting car.

We stopped. I leaned down so Lydia could kiss her brother and say good bye. Henry and I each kissed our sweet son good bye for the very last time. Then I handed Harry to Toni, sitting in the front seat of the SVU.

"I will take good care of him and make sure he is okay," Toni promised me through tears.

We each kissed Harry one last time and then we closed the door and the three of us turned together to embrace. The three of us.

And Harry was gone forever.

But not gone forever.

Because this is now the story of Harry's first rainbow to us.

Later that night, again around 9:00 p.m., I was upstairs with Lydia putting her to bed. Henry was sitting in the living room, in my comfy breastfeeding chair that had just been brought downstairs 24 hours earlier. He was looking out the front window at the gathering dusk.

It had been a wonderful sunny day with not a hint of rain.

But at that moment, exactly 24 hours after Harry had passed over, Harry sent us our sign.

"OH. MY. GOD. Cynthia, Lydia come quick! You have to see this!!" Henry called up to us, barely able to contain the excitement and joy in his voice.

"Look. Look. Do you see it?" tears of joy ran down Henry's face.

And there it was. A perfect double rainbow in the south east sky, framed by the trees, just above the corner store. It was only visible if you were sitting looking out our front window, as Henry had been.

The three of us stood on our front lawn and laughed and cried. "It's from Harry. Look, Lydia, do you see the rainbow? It is a sign from Harry. He is okay. He is in Heaven. He is with God".

And then as if to put an exclamation point on his message, two number 10 busses - one right behind the other - passed under the rainbow along Wolseley Avenue.

The rainbow was so bright, it glowed and hung in the sky for a good ten minutes. We watched it until it dimmed and then faded from view.

Henry and I stood arm in arm, holding Lydia between us, tears streaming down, but laughing with joy. We felt absolutely giddy and drunk with joy.

There was no doubt in our minds. This was our sign from Harry.

We are all connected, we are never alone. Love never dies. Just as God sent Noah the first rainbow, to mark his covenant that he would never again bring such destruction and never abandon his people, but be with them always. Harry sent us his rainbow. His covenant to us that he is always with us. He is not gone, he did not abandon us. He is with us always and loves us always.

Yes, Harry had left his body. But there was no question. He was not 'dead'. His body had died.
But Harry's soul, his spirit, his essence, had simply walked on.
Walked on to the 'next place'.
Walked on back to God.
Walked on to new life.
Walked on.

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There is a song we sing at church. We had not yet heard it this day. We heard it for the first time in November. I have written a blog post about it - but I have yet to actually post it. I will soon.

But this song, it is all Harry. It could have been written about Harry and his passing. When you read the words you will understand why I love it so much, yet why I always cry when we sing it.

It is called "The Great Storm Is Over" and it goes like this:

The Great Storm Is Over

Alleluja, the great storm is over
Lift up your wings and fly (Repeat Twice)

The thunder and lightning gave voice to the night.
The little lame child cried out in her (his- RCN) fright.
Hush, little baby, a story I’ll tell.
Of love that has vanquished the powers of hell.

Alleluja, the great storm is over
Lift up your wings and fly (Repeat Twice)

Sweetness in the air and justice on the wind.
Laughter in the house where the mourners had been.
The deaf shall have music, the blind have new eyes.
The standards of death taken down by surprise.

Alleluja, the great storm is over
Lift up your wings and fly (Repeat Twice)

Release for the captives, an end to the wars,
New streams in the desert, new hope for the poor.
All the worlds’ children will dance as they sing.
And play with the bears and lions in spring.

Alleluja, the great storm is over
Lift up your wings and fly (Repeat Twice)

Hush, little baby, let go of your fear.
The Lord loves his own and your mother is here.
The child fell asleep as the lantern did burn.
The mother sang on ‘til her bridegroom’s return.

Alleluja, the great storm is over
Lift up your wings and fly (Repeat Six Times - Third Time Accapela)

@Bob Frankes


And that was my wee Harry. The great storm that raged in his body was over and he just simply lifted up his wings and flew, flew up to heaven.