No Amnio

For now, at least, we have decided against doing an amnio.

I know a number of women who have had amnios and experienced no complications. But I also know at least one woman who miscarried a healthy baby after an amnio....

For me, it just doesn't feel like the right thing to do. And if there is one thing I learned from my experience with Harry it is that I have a pretty well-honed gut instinct where my kids are concerned. (Ah, if only I'd had that same gut instinct when it came to picking dates in my youth!! - At least that same instinct served me very well where Henry was concerned, so can't complain too much. For those who don't know, I knew I was going to marry Henry 2 days after our first date.)

I will do the standard triple-screen blood test this week and I suppose if some alarm bells are raised from that we'll reconsider our decision, but I won't do an amnio 'just to check' - only if there is some reason to really suspect a problem.

And even then, I am not sure I want to know. I know for a lot of families the logic behind having an amnio is that 'they want to be prepared' to know what to expect, when the baby arrives - especially to be able to prepare if you know you are going to have a child with certain physical or developmental challenges.

I actually don't want to know. We cling to any thread of certainty in our world of uncertainty, no matter how precarious.

I guess it comes from actually *knowing* what it feels like to be told your child is terminally ill that I don't think you can actually prepare for that moment.

Would it have allowed us to somehow 'prepare' knowing, five months in advance, that Harry was going to develop cancer?

No. Absolutely no.

All that would have happened was that we would have been miserable and depressed and scared and full of fear for those five months waiting for the bomb to drop.

Instead, life with Harry was glorious right up until the day we took him to the hospital and the nightmare started. But even then, once the dust settled, life with Harry was glorious right up until he drew his last breath.

So for me, I just want to revel in the joy of expecting this new little life to come into our family.

I once again choose optimism, hope, faith, believing in the good, believing that this little one has chosen to come to us at this time and we'll welcome him with love however he comes.

But you know, going through this thought and decision process has once again reminded me just how intensely personal this decision is. I would never, ever, impose my decision-making process or outcome on another woman. Going through it, it becomes so radically clear that what is the right choice for one woman will NOT be the right choice for another. So it absolutely reaffirms for me my unwavering support for a woman's absolute right to have complete control over her reproductive choices, even if another woman might make a choice I was not comfortable with. I might never have an anmio or an abortion, but I will fight to the death to ensure that other women have the right to freely make these choices. No one should ever be allowed to make these decisions for another woman, it is just too personal and the consequences too life-altering for another person to make this decision for a woman.

So for now, no amnio.

Peace out,
Cynthia