20-Week Ultrasound

I had my 20-week ultrasound yesterday.

Our wee boy is very active and looks very healthy! The technician was so kind and said he looks very good, no reasons for concern and no reason to come back again for another ultrasound, unless my midwife decides otherwise. But she was so kind, knowing our history with Harry, she gave me her card and told me to give her a call and just come in and see her if I am feeling worried at all about the baby, and she'll take another look.

My triple-screen blood test came back negative! So that was very good news and means that no further testing is required. His spine looks great so no fears of spina bifida, and his risk for downs sydrome is way down. So good news on all fronts.

He was very cooperative for the tech - always shifting into exactly the position she wanted him in to be able to take a particular measurement or capture a particular view - something Mummy likes to hear ... very cooperative!!! We got lots of great shots of his hands - as he kept on waving at us, as if to say, "Hello Mummy, Hello Papa, see you in March!". Just like Harry and Lydia she said he has a lovely shaped head!

I am hoping to set up my printer / scanner tomorrow and if I can figure it all out, I'll try to scan and post some of our pictures from the ultrasound. To me, his little profile looks just like Lydia and Harry's did in-utero - so I am sure he is going to be yet another blond-haired, blue-eyed carbon-copy of his Dad - just like Harry and Lydia - ah well, that will at least mean he will be a cutie!

Having this baby feels like a radical act of hope. We could have given into fear and not have had another child, but living in hope is part of our promise to Harry. We are also lucky - given that Harry's cancer was sporadic and not genetic, we don't have to worry about another child developing this cancer - which parents of a child with an inherited or de novo mutation do - so that makes it easier for us. It *is* scary to move into the future in hope, nonetheless. Having once received devastating medical news, we know that it can happen. That makes every medical procedure we have to do with a child, Lydia or this baby, that much more stressful.

When Lydia had to go to the doctor's last December for her 5-year old check up, I made Henry come with me. It was the first time I was going back to the doctor's office since we had taken Harry that fateful day, February 22, 2008. Lydia was scared, so I had to massively fight back *my* fear to put on a brave face for her. But *inside* I was fighing back nausea like you wouldn't believe. Thank goodness the nurse, by chance, did not put us in the same patient room that we had been in with Harry when Dr. Van Rooyen had found his tumour. When Lydia had to lie down on the table and he did his routine check of her arms, legs, and core, including abdomen - Henry and I held onto each other's hand for dear life. I think the doctor could tell how scared we were, he kept talking the whole time. "Oh, yes, this feels fine, um, yes good, everything feels normal and healthy". I honestly nearly passed out with fear when he was feeling around her liver - even though I prod her often now and know she is fine - it was just so terrifying to have her checked out that first time. Henry said after the visit was all done, "No wonder you wanted me there, that was incredibly difficult, I had no idea just how stressful it would be!"

I have already warned Dr. Van Rooyen that I will be bringing this baby in every month for a well-baby check up for his first year at least, not on the usual 2-4-6 & 12 month schedule. Fortunately, he completely understands! Part of me will always wonder, "what if we had brought Harry in for a 9-month check up? Would we have found the cancer sooner? Would it have made a difference?" I try to be positive - "No, it wouldn't have made a difference. He just would have been a sick baby sooner". But sometimes despite my best efforts, that nagging voice pushes her way in, "Maybe if you hadn't been so focused on finishing your PhD in the fall of 2007 you would have noticed your son was starting to get sick." I really dislike that nagging voice and *really* try not to listen to her!

It also feels like a radical act of hope to talk about this baby's future with Lydia - which we do now daily. I will not let my life be shrouded in fear - but it is a conscious effort to stay positive and focused on the good each day. I try not to get too far ahead of myself and just focus on how wonderful today is - not to put off thoroughly enjoying the now and not to focus on too much on that which is unknown and unknowable. One of Harry's gifts was learning how to radically focus on the good and the gifts of the NOW - I will not squander these hard learned lessons!

On that note, have a wonderful day. If you are in western Canada - where we're experiencing an above normal temperature week - bask in the glory of the gift of the sunshine and warmth today! I know I will!

Peace and blessings,
Cynthia