Courage

Having another child after you have lost one to cancer is really an act of courage, faith and hope. And this month, I need to marshall massive doses of each to wade through the days of the calandar.

One of the discussions Henry and I had while trying to decide if we wanted to have another child was how would we deal with the inevitable fears that would arise, especially in the first year? The fearful and weak part of me said, "Don't even have another child, it will be too hard and too scary". Nonsense, said my strong true self. To not have another child seemed like an act of cowardess, a giving into fear and despair. To not have had another child would have dishonoured Harry's memory and his teaching to live fearlessly, bravely, and with hope every day, jumping in with both feet.

We'd promised Harry we would always live grounded in faith and hope, like he had taught us. And what more ultimate act of faith and hope is there than taking the huge leap into the unknown and bringing another child into the world?

So, three years later, here we are with my beautiful Sebastien, a ten and a half months old bundle of joy. Every day, I feel like I am running the gauntlet - having to face my fears of Sebby getting sick. I know it is illogical. Harry's cancer was NOT genetic, there is no reason to believe Sebastien will get sick. Yet, knowing that there *are* siblings who have had his cancer manages to freak me out. But I remind myself, Harry's oncologist and the genetic researcher from the US, both said given the sporatic nature of Harry's cancer there was no reason to worry about our other children.

Damn logic, only gets you so far. Emotion is so powerful and illogical and such a huge pain in the ass. Mr. Spock was right.

I think the hardest thing right now is that Harry showed so few symptoms until he was really, really, deathly sick. His only real symptoms were being a poor eater and increasingly, a poor sleeper. So every time Seb has a rough night, my fear creeps, "Is it starting? Is this the first sign?" Every time he is a bit fussy at a meal and isn't enthusiastic about eating I start to fear, "Is it starting, Is this the first sign?" I poke his tummy daily to make sure it still feels soft. Look at his skin colouring, is he still rosey pink? I worry, worry, worry and practically make myself physically sick.

But I hate this, I don't want to live so wrapped in fear. I don't want to be in such a negative place. I want to stay in my happy, positive, joyful place. It takes everything I've got to drag myself there every day.

I see Seb's first birthday as such a huge threshold. I just want to get over that threshold. Though I know really, he is as likely to get sick after 12 months as before, somehow reaching that milestone healthy and happy just feels so monmumental in my mind.

But this month, I can't even think too much about that. This month, these next few weeks, I just need to get through the days.

It started three years ago today. Harry first threw up three years ago today. Three years ago, an eternity ago, yesterday. Time no longer means the same thing to me as it did before Harry died. Time moves differently. Parts of time, Harry's time, stand still. We move, slowly forward, from that glass bubble of time in which he is wrapped.

I think getting through these next two weeks will actually be the greatest challenge I have faced since Harry got sick. Finding the courage and faith and hope to trust Sebastien. Trust that he has come to be with us for a long, long life. Having the faith in him and in the compassion of the universe. Finding the courage to banish my fears and stay focused on the present. Reminding myself daily that *this* present, where we are now is NOT three years ago. We are in a very, very different place. Henry and I are so happy and content together. We love our house and our community. We are in a very good place. Lydia, my delightful Lydia, reveals the truth of present, joyful living each day. Our lives are incredibly blessed and full of joy. I just need to keep coming back to that each day.

And I need to always remember what Harry taught me - to walk on - walk on in hope, walk on in joy, walk on in happiness. So here's to walking through the next two weeks!

Peace,
Cynthia