Half way through February

Well, we've made it just over halfway through February. So far she has been a very gentle month - with the weather matching her most accommodating demeanour. Since when does spring come to Winnipeg in February? And not just for one day, but for long, lovely days at a stretch? Hello climate change, welcome to Manitoba. It is currently 2C - yes *above* zero! Incredible. And just what we need to melt snow now to help reduce the spring flooding risk.

Sunny, warm days like this, when the sun-warmed air actually kisses your cheeks as you walk outside are such a rare treat. But they seem to match my mood so very well.

We're getting there. We're getting through. Sebastien is so obviously a healthy, dynamic, delightful little boy. Watching him raises my spirits and hopes. He's doing great. He's going to be okay.

Three years ago, Harry was obviously sick. How sick, we of course had no idea. But he was definitely sick by Valentine's Day. He was having a hard time eating and keeping food down. He was fussy and clingy and just not himself. He wasn't sleeping well.

Sebastien is none of those things. He is starting to learn to walk. He can stand by himself for a few seconds - I'm not sure if Harry ever had the balance and strength in his legs to really do that. He can push our 'hippo car' around the house by himself. He loves to walk around the house holding onto our hands. He will be walking in the next month or so. Harry never learned how to walk by himself. Or I guess he never gained sufficient strength and balance to do it, though he was very close, before chemo and cancer enacted its final toll. 

It will be wonderful but bittersweet when Sebastien learns to walk on his own. Wonderful to watch him take this significant step out of baby hood and into real toddler hood. But bittersweet to watch him reach a milestone Harry never had the chance to meet. But I try to tell myself, this is what Sebastien came for - to do all of these milestones with us. Harry came for a very different reason. For a completely different experience. As hard as it is to accept, he didn't come to reach these childhood milestones. He came to live and love hard and fast and quick.

On Sunday, I gave Sebastien his big brother's special pair of 'squeaker shoes'. These were little brown leather shoes I had bought for Harry's first pair of shoes. They are great shoes and have little squeakers in the soles so that when he walks they "squeak" along. I didn't know if I could or should give them to Sebastien. There are some things of Harry's I have not put him in. Some outfits in particular are just "too Harry" for Sebastien to wear. But a lot of Harry's things I have been very happy to see Sebastien in. It is a wonderful reminder of Harry to see his little brother wear some of his outfits. Mostly, I just go with my gut and know when it feels right to give Sebastien something of Harry's. And it just felt right that he should wear his big brother's shoes for his first shoes too. I guess in my own way, it is a way to give Sebastien connections to his big brother, who he will only know in waiting-to-be-born heaven! To whisper to Sebastien, "these were your big brother's, he wore them too, here's a little way for you to know him, to connect to him, to share with him". I can imagine my almost-four-year-old Harry running to his closet and pulling out his shoes and saying, "Here, Mummy, let Sebby try my old shoes!" Harry would want Sebby to wear them.

Seb is delighted with the shoes. He was all grins and squeals of delight when he first walked across the kitchen floor and heard their squeak. It is right and good that he should have this gift from his big brother.

Peace,
Cynthia